What originally felt like an eternity now feels like sand slipping through my fingers. When I arrived to Kolkata, the first two weeks were extremely difficult. Everyday I would struggle with myself to stay positive and stay focused. Still, the desire to quit and go home was one that was constantly creeping into my mind. A desire that really disturbed me. I did not come all of this way to quit and give up. Yes, it is the hardest experience I have ever had to endure. But how awful is it to feel such a way when this is people's permanent way of life?...With accommodation and amenities a mere fraction of what I am utilizing here. So every day I would repeat over and over in my head "Find your happiness. Find your purpose." I know that God didn't pull my heart to India for no reason.
Last night I joined the volunteers at the Mother house for adoration in the evening. In the Catholic Church, this is an hour dedicated to praying, praying the rosary, singing, and sitting in silence with God. And as I sat there, I had a feeling of clarity. It was a feeling very much like the one that brought me here. Every Sunday when I was in church, I would pray for the Lord to guide me and use me to do his will. I was feeling so stuck and confused until one Sunday, months later, I just had this overwhelming feeling telling me to go to India. It's hard to describe but it was so clear that I just smiled and said in my head "India...well alright then."
I had the same such feeling at adoration. This time, it was the revelation that my purpose in coming to Kolkata was because God wanted to bring me back to him. To bring me closer to him. And being in the home of Mother Teresa could not have been any more inspiring and overwhelming in order to do just that.
There was a time in high school when we were so tight (me and JC). I would attend mass every day and prayer was huge part of my life. I was so close that I was my best self then and probably the happiest and most selfless I have ever been. I had such trust and faith in the lord that everything, be it good or bad, just made sense. So when I sat there I felt it. I felt him calling me back to him. Because when you are close with him, your perspective of the world changes. Suddenly your values shift from yourself and material goods, to people and their needs.
And now, as of today, I realized that Kolkata has officially sucked me in. I have developed such a passion for these people that the thought of leaving the city next week is almost too much to bear. While my level of comfort has increased, so too has the burden on my heart to do more. My days start at 6am and end at 8/9pm and yet I still feel as though there is so much more I can be doing. I just loaded up on a crazy amount of protein bars to keep in my backpack to give to those I pass who are in need. My days are equally amazing and devastating.
But I suppose Mama T had a point when she said "let us do small things with great love." We alone can't change the world. Alone we can't solve world hunger or make everyone feel loved and worthy. But I guess if we do the best we can each and every day, it will start to add up. And maybe, just maybe, we might help to ignite a fire in other people's hearts to do the same. I don't know if it will burn super bright like we hope, but I do know that it won't burn at all if we don't try. "Begin every day as if it were on purpose."
.....and yes, I mayyyy have just quoted Hitch in the last line. Get at me.
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